Sena istorija… Aš buvau laimingas. Susipažinau su mergina, mes
draugavom apie metus ir galiausiai nutarėm susituokti. Tevai ir draugai mums
pritarė ir palaikė visaip, kaip tik galėjo. Na, o mergina, mergina – ji buvo
fantastiška.

Vienintelis dalykas, kuris man nedavė ramybės, buvo jos jaunesnioji sesuo:
ji pastoviai mūvėdavo aptemptus mini sijonus ir marškinelius su didelėm
iškirptėm. Ji visą laiką stengėsi pasilenkt, kai buvo netoli manes ir
demonstravo savo apatines kelnaites. Aš buvau įsitikines, kad visa tai ne
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sesuo paskambino ir pakvietė mane pažiurėt kvietimus į vestuves. Kai aš
atvažiavau, ji buvo viena. Ji man pasakė, kad greitai aš būsiu vedęs, bet ji
man jaučia jausmus, kurių nebegali daugiau slėpti. Ji pasakė, kad nori
pasimylėti su manimi, kol aš dar nespėjau vesti. Aš buvau nustebintas ir
nežinojau ką atsakyti. Bet ji tiesiog pakilo ir tarė: “aš einu į viršų, o
tu, jei nori, tiesiog ateik ir paimk mane”. Buvau šokiruotas. Aš tiesiog
apstulbau, kai ji lipdama laiptais nusimovė apatines kelnaites ir numetė jas
man. Aš šiek tiek pastovėjau, apsisukau ir patraukiau savo automobilio link.

Mano būsimas uošvis stovėjo šalia mašinos su ašarom akyse, jis mane apkabino
ir tarė: “Mes džiaugiamės, kad įveikei mūsų nedidelį testuką. Dabar mes
tikrai žinom, kad tu esi tinkamas vyras mūsų dukrai. Sveikas atvykes į mūsų
šeimą”.

O aš juk ėjau prezervatyvų atsinešt iš mašinos!…

Naršydamas internete radau, gan juokingą straipsniuką :)

Things Every Man Should Do Before He Dies
Note from zero’s girlfriend: Zero left the house early last Monday morning with a broken bottle, two fifths of tequila, and a backpack full of mescaline muttering something about, “revenge on Tom Cruise in the name of pirate ninjas everywhere…” No one here has any idea what the hell he was talking about and he hasn’t been seen since. He sent me this a few hours ago with instructions to post it on ShoutWire.
Own a Wookie
Han Solo was the coolest guy in the Star Wars universe. Why? Because Darth Vader didn’t have a Wookie. Chewbacca could make Toby McGuire look like a real man. Alternatively; buy a big, mangy, hairy dog and dress him up with an ammo strap and blaster gun.
Save a hot chick from certain death
Every man needs a story like this to tell his grandkids. Of course, by the time they hear it the girl you pushed out of the way of that bus will have her breast size raised by at least two cups and two dirty bombs will be added to the mix, but lying to your offspring is just something men have been doing for centuries. As always, utility belts and capes are completely optional.
Destroy something beautiful
You don’t have to beat a blond guy within an inch of his life to accomplish this one. Rip a small tree out of the ground, pee on a flowerbed, hell, it doesn’t matter, just fuck something up. If you have never done this, simply pick a random piece of your girlfriend’s collection of pink things, break it quietly, hide it well, and then walk away a man.
Wake up not knowing where you are
When you wake up with no idea where in the hell you are or how you got there, you know last night must have kicked serious ass. Who gives a fuck if you lost your wallet and have “Balls” written across your forehead, it is a right of passage for Christ sakes. No man has ever been cool without at least one story involving a massive amount of liquor and 6 to 12 hours of lost time.
Kill your own dinner
Not with a gun, with your bare hands. It doesn’t need to be a full grown bear, hell, strangle a fucking bunny if you have to, just get it done.
Give a sexually frustrated woman multiple orgasms
There are more of these women out there than anyone would like to believe. This is because most guys that girls want to sleep with (i.e. cock munchers who drive $50,000 cars and spend all their time in gyms) do not know how to please a woman. Guys like us do, because we aren’t chumps, we’re fucking pirate ninjas. Pirates don’t go to the gym, we earn our muscles fighting at sea.
Try to fix something; totally break it in the process
Just because it is what we do best, and we do it well. Talking out of our asses I mean, not fixing stuff. A man just isn’t a man unless he screws the hell out of some piece of equipment beyond repair at least once in his life. For added effect, add a little grunt after the smoke settles, Toolman style.
Create fire from sticks
I don’t mean matches. I’m talking two twigs in the middle of the woods during a snowstorm with a woman screaming in your ear about how cold she is. Real men are made under pressure and there is no more stressful a scenario than the one I just described. Triumphing in such a situation means you have not only proven your primitive manhood, but you have also earned the right to sleep with said woman more than any other man she has been with before.
Outdrink your buddies
If you must spike beer with whiskey and cheat, do so. There is no better feeling in this world than to be the last man standing, staring down at your passed out friends through shit faced, glossed over eyes in triumph while talking mad shit and peeing in the nearest houseplant.
Get rocked by an older woman
I don’t mean grandma old, 35-40 should suffice. Until this happens to you, you do not really know anything about sex, no matter what you think. Do this while you are still young and it will prepare you for the rest of the sexual experiences in your entire life. The next drunk sorority chick you shag rotten will scream like a Japanese schoolgirl at a Yanni concert.
Beat up a movie star
Punch him right in his fucking face. I have caught your trail, you little bitch. You can only run for so long. Soon, Tom, soon…